Wednesday, 29 April 2015


You wouldn't normally associate anti social behaviour with rural France, but a bird just flew into our kitchen and did a shit on our floor. I don't advocate revenge, but let's just say that bird has a little treat waiting for it when it gets back to its nest.

Monday, 27 April 2015

French drivers and 100 litres of wine.

'Let's be honest here. Let's all get our nuts out on the table'. That's a phrase I'm trying to bring into polite conversation.

French drivers are on the whole better than the English, but annoyingly they don't thank you if you pull in to let them past on a narrow road. Now if they stop to let me past to demonstrate my gratitude and spread goodwill I've taken to pulling up alongside them and giving them a double thumbs up for up to a minute. 

We've moved to the Loire valley. It's fucking hot. I have set an all time record of getting sunburnt 27 days in a row. One day I sunburnt myself purple. I have several tans.

The house is the height of luxury. We have a four poster bed and an area in our bathroom where you can lay down and dry naturally. No bidet though. I'm improvising using a garden hose and a ride-on lawnmower.

Insects everywhere. That's country living for you. I've found a website that tries to reassure you by telling you how good they all are for the environment. Radiation is good for the environment up to a point, but I wouldn't want it in my bath.

The other day someone gave me the address of a wine producer where you can buy a 100 litre vat of wine. I'm currently scouring supermarkets for a bigger glass.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Hair by Phil

Got my hair cut by the French. I took a picture with me so I could point to it when the hairdresser was asking me how I wanted it done (if I knew when he was asking me how I wanted it done). The hairdresser was the spitting image of Phil Jupitus.
Phil Jupitus asked me how I wanted it done. I pointed to the picture I had brought. Phil Jupitus looked at it disapprovingly and pointed to a picture of a man with an extreme haircut on the wall. I pointed back to my picture. Phil Jupitus paused for a moment as if weighing up his options and then pointed to the picture on the wall. I realised at that point that Phil Jupitus only does one hair cut. On my way back to the car I noticed other men who got their haircut by Phil Jupitus. 
Earlier in the week we stayed in a hotel by the sea. It was the same hotel that featured in the legendary french film La vacances de M. Hulot. Me neither.