Wednesday, 10 February 2016


I bought a beer making machine. It's part of my plan to become a millionaire in France. The French have never heard of beer, you see. Thus, I realised that if I could make beer they would worship me as a GOD.
I've been staring at the beer making machine all winter and so far it has failed to produce any beer whatsoever. At first I thought it was the wrong season. Maybe it needs pollination from the bees I thought. WRONG! I have finally discovered how it works. You pour in several bottles of your favourite beer, swirl for several seconds and pour out into glasses. It's not quite as good as the real thing, but it's remarkably close.

Monday, 18 January 2016

Rabbit droppings festival

There was something going on in the town hall in Chinon so we'd thought we'd check it out. If you haven't been to Chinon you're a dick. Outside of the town hall a group of people had gathered. We approached to find they were watching a man leading a pig around with a bit of string. As entertainment goes it was still better than French television.

Inside the town hall it was going crazy. Pumped up, rich, hostile French people charged from stall to stall staring at what appeared to be rabbit droppings. We've been in France long enough now not to be surprised at anything. We thought we'd better join in.

"You have to sniff them. I've seen people sniff them." Said Rose.
I picked up a rabbit dropping and sniffed it. It was unbearable. "I'll take it!" I commanded.
"That will be 87 euros." Said the woman behind the table.
"I won't take it. I refuse to pay more than 50 euros for a rabbit dropping." I commanded.
"It's a truffle." Said the woman behind the table.
"No. You're a truffle." I responded, brilliantly.

A bell rang to signify there was only 10 minutes left of the truffle sale. The place went insane. It was truffle fever. I may one day make a novelty 70's funk album called truffle fever. Caught in the moment, we identified the smallest truffle we could find and purchased it for 30 euros after ensuring it wasn't a rabbit dropping.

Now we have a truffle. It sits glowering at me when I open the fridge - a constant reminder of the day I saw a pig on a string.

Oh come on.